Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Texan Bought A Round Of Drinks For All In The Bar And Said That His Wife Had Just Produced "A Typical Texas Baby" Weighing Twenty Pounds. Two Weeks Later He Returned To The Bar. The Bartender Recognized Him And Asked, "Arent You The Father Of The Typical Texas Baby That Weighed Twenty Pounds At Birth? ""Yup, Shore Am!""How Much Does He Weigh Now? "The Proud Father Answered, "Ten Pounds. "The Bartender Said, "Why, What Happened? He Did Weigh Twenty Pounds. "The Proud Texas Father Said, "Jest Had Him Circumcised!"

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Small Balding Man Storms Into A Local Bar And Demands, "Gimme A Double Of The Strongest Whiskey You Got. Im So Mad, I Cant Even See Straight. " The Bartender, Noticing That The Little Man Is A Bit The Worse For Wear, Pours Him A Double Of Southern Comfort. The Man Swills Down The Drink And Says, "Gimme Another One. " The Bartender Pours The Drink, But Says, "Now, Before I Give You This, Why Dont You Let Off A Little Steam And Tell Me Why Youre So Upset? "So, The Man Begins His Tale. "Well, I Was Sitting In The Bar Next Door, When This Gorgeous Blonde Slinks In And Actually Sits Beside Me At The Bar. I Thought, "Wow, This Has Never Happened Before. " You Know, It Was Kind Of A Fantasy Come True. Well, A Couple Of Minutes Later, The Blonde Leans Over And Asks If Id Like To Come Back To Her Hotel To Have Dinner And Talk For A While. I Couldnt Believe This Was Happening, R\Nand I Hadnt Had A Good Meal In Quite A While. I Managed To Nod My Head Yes, So She Grabs My Hand And Starts Walking Out Of The Bar. This Seemed Just Too Good To Be True. "He Continued, "She Took Me Down The Street Here To A Nice Hotel And Up To Her Room. She Said To Relax, Watch Some Tv, And That She Would Be Ready To Go Down To The Restaurant In A Few Minutes. But, As Soon As I Put My Feet Up And Reclined My Chair, I Heard Some Keys Jingling And Someone Starts Fumbling With The Door. ""The Blonde Says, Oh My God, Its My Boyfriend. He Must Have Lost His Wrestling Match Tonight, Hes Gonna Be Real Mad. Quick, Hide!""So, I Opened The Closet, But I Figured That Was Probably The First Place He Would Look, So I Didnt Hide There. Then I Looked Under The Bed, But No, I Figured Hes Bound To Look There, Too. By Now, I Could Hear The Key In The Lock. I Noticed The Window Was Open, So I Climbed Out And Wa S Hanging There By My Fingers, Praying That The Guy Wouldnt See Me. "The Bartender Says "Well I Can See How You Might Be A Bit Frustrated At This Point. ""Well, Yeah, But I Hear The Guy Finally Get The Door Open And He Yells Out, Who You Been With Now, You Witch? The Girl Says, Nobody, Honey, Now Calm Down. "Well, The Guy Starts Tearing Up The Room. I Hear Him Tear The Door Off The Closet And Throw It Across The Room. Im Thinking, Boy, Im Glad I Didnt Hide In There. Then I Hear Him Lift Up The Bed And Throw It Across The Room. Good Thing I Didnt Hide Under There Either. Then I Heard Him Say, Whats That Over There By The Window? I Think, Oh God, Im Dead Meat Now. But, The Blonde By Now Is Trying Real Hard To Distract Him And Convince Him To Stop Looking. Well, I Hear The Guy Go Into The Bathroom And I Hear Water Running For A Long Time; I Figure Maybe Hes Gonna Take A Bath Or Something, When All Of A Sudden, The Jerk Pours A Pitcher Of Scalding Hot Water Out Of The Window Right On Top Of My Head. I Mean, Look At This, I Got Second Degree Burns All Over My Scalp And Shoulders!"The Bartender Says, "Oh Man, That Would Have Gotten Me Mad For Sure. " "No, That Didnt Really Bother Me. Next, The Guy Starts Slamming The Window Shut Over And Over On My Hands. I Mean, Look At My Fingers. Theyre A Bloody Mess. I Can Hardly Hold Onto This Glass. "The Bartender Looks At The Guys Hands And Says, "Yeah, Buddy, I Can Understand Why You Are So Upset. ""No, That Wasnt What Really Got Me So Angry Though. "The Bartender Then Asks In Exasperation, "Well, Then, What Did Finally Make You Anger? ""Well, I Was Hanging On The Window, And I Turned Around And Looked Down--I Was Only About Six Inches Off The Ground. "

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Serious Drunk Walked Into A Bar And, After Staring For Some Time At The Only Woman Seated At The Bar, Walked Over To Her And Kissed Her. She Jumped Up And Slapped Him Silly. He Immediately Apologized And Explained, "Im Sorry. I Thought You Were My Wife. You Look Exactly Like Her. " "Why You Worthless, Insufferable, Wretched, No Good Drunk!" She Screamed. "Funny, " He Muttered, "You Even Sound Exactly Like Her. "

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Scotsman Is Sitting In A Bar In Cuba And Is Minding His Business When A Man With A Large Black Beard Walks In. The Man Goes To The Bar And Orders A Shot Of Whisky. The Bartender Serves Him, The Man Drinks The Whisky Then Starts Walking Out The Door. The Bartender Says, "Hey Arent You Going To Pay For That? " The Man Says, "Excuse Me, Castros Army. " The Bartender Says, "Alright Then" And The Man Leaves. A Few Minutes Later Another Man With A Large Black Beard Walks In. The Man Goes To The Bar And Orders A Shot Of Whisky. The Bartender Serves Him, The Man Drinks The Whisky Then Starts Walking Out The Door. The Bartender Says, "Hey Arent You Going To Pay For That? " The Man Says, "Excuse Me, Castros Army. " The Bartender Says "Alright Then" And The Man Leaves. The Scotsman Gets An Idea And Walks Up To The Bar And Orders A Shot Of Whisky. He Drinks The Whisky Then Start S Walking Out The Door. The Bartender Says, "Hey Arent You Going To Pay For That? " The Scotsman Says, "Excuse Me, Castros Army. " The Bartender Says, "Hey Where Is Your Big Black Beard? " The Scotsman Thinks Quickly. He Lifts His Kilt And Says, "Secret Service!"

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Russian Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Beer. "That Will Be One Ruble, " Says The Bartender. "One Ruble!" The Customer Protests, "Last Week It Was Only Fifty Kopeks!" "Well, " Replies The Bartender, "Its Fifty Kopeks For The Beer And Fifty Kopecs For The Perestroika. " Reluctantly, The Customer Gives The Bartender A Ruble, And Is Surprised When The Bartender Gives Him Back Fifty Kopecs And Says, "We Are Out Of Beer. "

Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun

A Rather Confident Man Walks Into A Bar And Takes A Seat Next To A Very Attractive Woman. He Gives Her A Quick Glance, Then Casually Looks At His Watch For A Moment. The Woman Notices This And Asks, "Is Your Date Running Late? ""No, " He Replies, "I Just Bought This State-Of-The-Art Watch And I Was Just Testing It. "The Intrigued Woman Says, "A State-Of-The-Art Watch? Whats So Special About It? ""It Uses Alpha Waves To Telepathically Talk To Me, " He Explains. "Whats It Telling You Now? " She Asked. "Well, It Says Youre Not Wearing Any Panties. " He Said. The Woman Giggles And Replies, "Well It Must Be Broken Then Because I Am Wearing Panties!"The Man Explains, "Damn Thing Must Be An Hour Fast. "